The pool of “executive search for church jokes” is pretty thin, but here’s a good read. It’s an oldie, but a goodie…..while circulated a lot, to our knowledge, the author is unknown.
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Search Committee Report:
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our new Pastor.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our relocation costs for all his wives are out of our budget.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people–might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn’t follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
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Isn’t it a good thing that God looks upon us differently than the world does?
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One of the most frequent questions we get about our search process is, “How long will it take?”
What we are learning as a firm is that the really savvy churches and leaders are the ones that aren’t obsessed with speed of staffing, but quality. Thinking on this subject, we asked our Ministry Partner Tony Morgan for his thoughts. He says patience is required. Not just in the hiring, but also in getting a new leader going.
Read his reflections below. He’s pretty smart.
It Takes 12 Months
by Tony Morgan
“I just want to save you all the frustration right now. I’ve experienced it a few times in my life. I’ve watched others confirm it in their lives.
It takes 12 months in any new job to figure out the role.
I’m talking about leadership roles here. If you are a widget-fabricator, maybe it’s different for you. For those of us that transition into new leadership positions, though, it always takes a full year to find out what we were really hired to do.
In those 12 months, we get to figure out what the unspoken expectations are. We have the opportunity to determine how our uniqueness fits into the unique organization that now provides our paycheck. We have the chance to see how we relate and work beside the people on our team. It takes 12 months. Until then, we aren’t really adding true value. We’re just trying to survive.
This is why finding the right people before you offer the job is so important. This is why finding the right employer before accepting the job is so important. This is why keeping the right people in your organization is so important. Every time the position opens, we lose 12 months.”
(This is just part of Tony’s reflections on this subject. To read the full post and lots of other good things Tony has to say, check out the full article and his site here).
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We are pleased to announce that Liquid Church (New Jersey) has retained the Vanderbloemen Search Group to help identify their new Pastor of Spiritual Development.
Liquid Church is an incredible story. Born out of a Bible study, the church began as a mission to reach those who aren’t interested in church. And in New Jersey (just outside New York City), there are a whole lot of people who fit that bill.
In just four years, Liquid has grown to an average weekly attendance of over 1300, making it one of the largest churches in New Jersey. Under the leadership of Pastor Tim Lucas, the church has adopted a contemporary, mulit-site strategy. They now have two sites and an online campus. More sites and continued growth are both planned for and expected.
Liquid has created this new position in response to the influx of new members who need to continue the journey to spiritual maturity. The successful candidate will be able to design and implement effective spiritual growth initiatives through small groups and life classes.
If you want to do ministry in a region that is truly a mission field, work in a highly innovative, growing environment, with a creative energetic team, contact us for more information. Interested applicants can upload their resume to our secure site.
All correspondence is held in strict confidence.
The Vanderbloemen Search Group is a retained executive search firm that helps churches and ministries find their key staff. Searches for large, fast growing churches with a focus on reaching the un-churched has become an area of particular expertise for our firm. Should your church need assistance in this sort of search, feel free to contact us.
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The Six Most Common Mistakes I See On Resumes
By William Vanderbloemen
In golf, they say that you can never win a tournament on the first day of competition, but you sure can lose it. In baseball, they say that you can’t win in the first inning, but you sure can lose.
In interviewing, you probably won’t win a job because of your resume, but you sure can lose it.
Resumes are a doorway to the next step in a job search. No more, no less. The longer I review resumes, the more I see some common stumbling blocks that could easily be avoided.
- Don’t try to make your resume look cool. Plain vanilla never hurt anyone in resume writing. I don’t need to see logos, four-color prints, or multiple pictures. I’ve never seen simple elegance lose in a resume. I have seen busy become bothersome.
- List what you have done first. Too often, I see statements of “philosophy” or lists of spiritual gifts at the front of a resume. I suppose that’s a nice principle, but what I really want is a snapshot of what you have done at your previous jobs.
- Don’t require me to be on the Internet to read your resume. There is a growing trend of listing resumes online, including vimeo channels, You Tube, and blogs on resumes. Cool bells and whistles for sure. But at the end of the day, simplicity wins in resumes. Links are good, but the requirement to be on line (like pointing me to a blog with your resume), limits circulation capacity.
- Keep your file size down. Excessive file size in a resume (north of 2MB) is a real problem. They take forever to download, a long time to print (and a lot of ink), and end up being a real hassle. The last thing you want is for your first impression to be a hassle.
- Don’t go on and on. One or two pages, maximum. We receive resumes from some really accomplished people. You would be surprised at how brief successful people are with their resume. Brevity may be the soul of wit, but it’s also the essence of effectiveness in resume writing. As one of my colleagues says, “Be brief. Be bright. Be gone.”
- Don’t forget to spell check. You’d be surprised, but I really must list this one. A resume is a brief glimpse into your sense of professionalism. Sloppy spelling & grammar = sloppy work ethic.
What mistakes are we missing?
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We are pleased to announce that Ottawa First Church of the Nazarene in Illinois has retained our firm to help identify their new Executive Pastor.
The church has become known for its transformation from a traditional church to a missional, outreach oriented congregation over the last several years. The average worship exceeds 850, many of which were previously unchurched. In the last 12 months, OFC has experienced 30% growth. The new Executive Pastor position has been created in light of this growth and in expectation of future growth. The church is in the process of opening its first satellite site, and is planning for future growth both at the home campus and through a multi-site model.
Interested applicants can upload their resume to our secure site. All correspondence is held in strict confidence.
The Vanderbloemen Search Group is a retained executive search firm that helps churches find their key staff. Searches for large, fast growing churches with a focus on reaching the un-churched has become an area of particular expertise for our firm. Should your church need assistance in this sort of search, feel free to contact us.
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